The grief outlook is here, and The July Ache is predicted to land heavily once again.
Fluctuating localized storms are anticipated to arrive in the lead up to the death anniversary, and several advisories are in place.
While many are experiencing warm temperatures, sunny vibes and good times of Summer, persistent and extreme grief storms are on the horizon locally. This may seem out of sync with the atmosphere nearby, and lead to feelings of disconnection.
Warning Symptoms of Heart Exhaustion
You may experience a tightening in the chest, an ache in the throat, and heavy limbs as early signs of heart exhaustion. There may be a drought of sleep, appetite, and emotional regulation at this time.
As the anniversary inches closer, sensations may creep up. These might include a general malaise, increased overwhelm or anxiety, and lower tolerance for other people’s nonsense.
A warning is in place for those around you due to lower resilience. You may be swifter to toot the car horn when someone is looking at their phone and misses the green light. The sound of someone typing loudly could set your jaw into lock. A mildly irritating work email may have you drafting your letter of resignation.
Intrusive Thoughts Predicted
Intrusive thoughts are expected, triggering the sympathetic nervous system into overdrive. The WouldaCouldaShoulda thought system may present itself with thoughts like you would have been doing this at this time those years ago.
This intrusive thought pressure system is projected to persist throughout the entire month. It will rehash everything that happened in the lead up to his death. You will be reminded of the fight you picked three days before he died. How could you waste a precious last night being in a fight? Did it add to his mental state that led to his relapse?
You would do it all differently now. Everything comes into question. Why didn’t you query that unexpected mood swing? Why didn’t you meet him at the beach earlier and cherish that time more? Why didn’t you understand relapse was likely?
It’s predicted that intrusive thoughts will spiral into unpredictable storms that may be dangerous to unaware civilians in the area.
How could you not have known he was in that much pain?
You’ll should yourself sick.
You should have been a better wife.
You should have known more.
You should have saved him.
Now it’s too late.
Be Aware of Grief Triggers
Potential grief storm triggers are bountiful this season, creating perfect conditions for strong emotional responses, flashbacks, and heartache.
Flashbacks may strike at any time, such as spotting his favourite snacks at the store, hearing someone playing music obnoxiously loud at the beach, or seeing a lookalike cycling by with a similar grey tinged beard. Even your phone may betray you with cute little reminder videos!
Specific details connected to the death may also be a trigger such as someone using drugs in the street, emergency sirens, or death scenes in a movie.
The sweltering heat could transport the body back there (it remembers) to those last few hot nights. Even the hum of the AC unit might contribute.
It’s also common to seek grief triggers out. We may be drawn to look at pictures and videos from that time, listen to a song that transports us, or watch a favourite show you watched together. Like pressing on a bruise that we know hurts, but we do it anyway. Because that pain is connected to good times too. We mourn because we miss what’s lost. And we miss not having them in the present and future too.
There might be fear related to being unexpectedly triggered. Since much of this is out of our control, it could therefore strike at any moment. Due to this, it’s good to have a plan for how to manage.
Make a Plan
In order to ease the dread of the lead up, it is recommended to have a storm readiness plan.
Sheltering in place might be advisable, depending on the strength of the grief system and the impact on energy.
Ahead of the storm, it is advised to stock up on certain essentials. Be prepared with snacks that don’t take much brain capacity, frozen meals that are easy to prepare, and ice cream of course.
Finding ways to connect is also important at this time. Support could be found through hanging out with a loved one, phoning or texting a friend, or consulting a therapist. If navigating other people feels too difficult, could you cuddle a pet, tend a plant, or stock the bird feeders extra nice this month.
When the grief waves hit, find an outlet for it via methods such as journalling, writing your loved one a letter, creating art, baking, or a healthy distraction. Finding ways to be in your body is also important, walking, yoga, dancing, however that looks for you.
Even though it’s hot out you may want to take shelter under the blanket your person used, or wear their hoody that smells like them – it’s as if they’re giving you a cuddle.
Having a plan can be really helpful, and it’s also important to allow for that plan to change. As much as we can anticipate the storm, it’s not always possible to accurately predict what we need, so allow yourself grace to change your mind.
Ritual Ideas
Practise any ritual that might bring a sense of connection with your loved one. This will be as unique as the relationship and love you had with your person.
Ideas include: visiting a place that was special for you, listening to their playlist, wearing their clothes, installing/visiting a physical memorial of them such as a park bench, garden or tree you planted. You could go somewhere meaningful or do something you had planned to do in their honour, donate money or time in their name, or do something joyful or adventurous you know they would want for you. You could order their favourite food in their name, share memories of them with loved ones, light a candle, watch their favourite thing, release balloons, or any number of spiritual or religious ceremonies that might bring comfort.
Take Care
Fight, flight, or freeze response systems may occur and should be treated with care and kindness.
It’s likely that everything feels tougher because you are grieving. And you’re doing it without your person. Everything is harder because you used to be in a team and now you’re carrying the load.
Be aware of the body and take care of it like you would a house plant. Water it and give it food and sunlight. Nourish it and talk kindly to it. If it’s wilting, prop it up with some support.
Taking deep breaths with a longer outbreath may assist in activating the parasympathetic nervous system and eliciting calmness. Crying is okay too.
Get in nature when you can. Put your feet in the sand, dirt, or grass. When the world is too loud, or the head is overwhelmingly noisy, find places of quiet, whatever that looks like for you. Observe the flower swaying in the breeze, tune in to the sound of the waves lapping the shore, spy the hummingbird observing from its perch.
Give Yourself Grace
Allow it all to be. Give yourself grace to feel whatever emotions come knocking, or distract from it if need be.
Be aware of the signs and potential triggers, and give yourself grace if you don’t react how you ideally would like to.
Make a plan and incorporate ritual where it feels right, and always giving yourself grace to change the plan if necessary.
